Happy in the here and now versus the if and when of dreamers

That was he and I's relationship. Thanks to Kieth in poetry class, I can finally put it into words. He was the here and now and I was the if and then. I'm a dreamer, a hopeful one, but the hopes I have never come true. I had a list of things that I wanted in a man on here a while back (November 6th post) and looking back at it now, I dont know how true they really are. I do know a few things though:1. Communication is so important, even if you're not good at it, you need to have someone who understands how you do it and not just demand that you conform to a norm. Now yes, there are basic rules to good communication, but everyone is different. 2. Patience is equally important. If you cant have that for someone, there's no point in being with them let alone being friends.3. Honesty is the last of this trifective. Yes, everyone has heard "honesty is the best policy," but few people never really follow through with it for fear of being tactless or mean. Yes, you should avoid those things, but you should never sugarcoat something for someone that you truely care about. Even the cosmetic things. I'll tell my friends if something looks like balls, and I'm pretty sure they'll do the same thing for me.Alot of the things on that old list are things that would be nice, a guy that likes to read, likes all kinds of music and art, but really thats just one thing. A guy that's open minded. That's what I want out of that list.Even if I don't get most of the little things that I want, there is one big thing that i want, infact, that i need. I need to be loved unconditionally, and I need that unconditional love to come from someone that I love unconditionally back. I think there's a reason for it. Yes, I do think that everyone wants that, but I think there is a very specific reason for myself at least. I walked home a few weekends ago with a friend from a class, and he told me that he likes being single and that the women he's dated, well he listed a bunch of reasons and we were both drunk so i dont remember most of it, but they werent for him. He said that he thought part of the reason hes not for the long-term relationships was because his parents havent had the happiest marrage. Interesting.Does the relationship our parents had/have influence the type of relationshps that we want?I think so. I lost my mom when i was 10, and so that Mom/dad relationship that i was supposed to see contained mostly my dad saying little and my mom hooked up to chemo IV's and going in for radiation treatments. This I think is why I like long-term relationships, and why I go through a horrible bout of despair when they end. It's like losing my mom all over again. (Well, not as serious, but I grieve the relationship like I grieved the loss of my mom)There is so much that needs to be said about what is going on with me. Not really that it needs to be said, but I need to get it out, out of my head.

HEEEEEEY!

I havent posted in a while....Summer has started now, and i have alot of goals for it, hopefully I'll keep them....im a little concerned. I know one thing for sure, Im gonna be a sad bear pretty frequently.

Irrational

I am irrational...but at least I can admit it. Does that make it any better? No. But at least I know it. I don't want to be irrational either, but isnt that the plight of any woman? Probably not to the extent that I am. Someone suggested my hormones are messed up, that freaks me out. Oh, did I mention I'm kind of a hypocondriac? Not as bad as I used to be. I used to think everything I had was cancer. Not so much anymore, which is good. I'm really fed up with alot of stuff. People, myself, indecisiveness, school. I NEED a vacation. Badly. However, Im also broke, and taking a summer course so I'm tied to the fox valley area until the end of july.I feel ill. Not Beastie Boys ill, just ill. I'm going home.