Okay.

To reply to Jeff's comment, no, I will not be a drunk bear. I'm kinda over and done with the whole drunk thing. When we went out on friday, I had one beer....one and only one. In the future, I am limiting my self to somewhere between 1 to 3 drinks. Meaning no shots, a very minimal amount of mixed drinks, and the occasional beer. I dont really like drinking anymore, cause everytime I do, I make an ass of myself. NO MORE! I say!Today is the start of a very long summer. I went to bed crying, woke up crying, cried on the phone, cried to my pastor, and cried all over the house. Does anyone know why?? I do. I'm finally dealing with the death of my mom. I started reading a book called "Motherless Daughters" and the thing is literally outlining almost 90% of the things I've been feeling which I had in the past thought that no one but myself felt. It's good to know that it's ok to feel this way and to feel like I'm stuck in two ages....physically and 75% emotionally I am 22 years old. But 25% of my emotions are still stuck at the age of 10. When something goes wrong, I cry and whine and act well, like im 10. I feel right now like im finally starting the grieving process. I've been sad for over half of my life and wasnt able to put a finger on it. And the past two years, i've cried....alot. Right now, I'm angry and not break shit angry, just sad angry. Im angry that my mom gave up on me, I'm angry at my dad for not showing any emotion when my mom died which is why I didnt cry. I cried when she died as did my dad, but there was no crying at the wake, or the funeral or the burial, at least, i dont remember it.The only thing i remember in which my dad tried to help me figure out what was going on was when he had pastor ann come over to talk to me. I sat in the living room in the TV chair while pastor ann and my dad sat and looked at me and she asked me questions.....I, being 10 and not wanting to talk about it played it off like everything was fine......reality: it wasnt.So now im mad...borderline seething at my dad for not letting me cry when i was little....its not that he didnt let me its that because he didnt, i didnt know it was ok.I finally reached out to Joe again. He's changed, and I never thought he would...perhaps its because I was the one that needed to change and I thought I never would and I was projecting it onto him.I found that I've done that alot. I'm the asshole thats insecure. That person's ugly because im ugly. This persons talentless because i feel talentless. I've projected my fears onto other people so that the dont seems so obvious to me. I've also acted very arrogantly in the past....."Im fucking awesome" "Fuckin right im cool!" Truth time: Im not. I know I have some talent, but whether or not other people think i do has nothing to do with me saying those things. It has to do with showing them. Peggy looked at my photoblog the other day and was very impressed. I felt proud of myself there. Proud that someone liked what i was doing, and proud that I took the chance to put my work out there. On Saturday, I had some girl that I didnt even know tell me that i was a good photographer. She told me that she wished that she could do what I do. And humbly I told her that anyone can take a good picture if they want to, and gave her a few pointers that i used.Im really sorting things out now....Pastor Jean told me that the fact that I can identify those feelings and where they come from is truly profound. I'd never looked at it this way, however I've never actually identified these feelings and their causes before. I didnt realize how important it was to becoming a better me.Here's my real problem though, I have all of these feelings marked and i know where they come from but i dont know what to do with them. Im angry cause i feel abandoned. Im sad because i yearn for a mother. I'm confused because i am finally making my own decisions and not ones that i think my mom would make. But how do i minimize these negative feelings? How do i move on from this stage and learn from all of these feelings i have?

I Am Me

Yes, I know its an Ashlee Simpson album, but its also what i need to figure out. Pastor Jean thought it best to organize all of the things that I know about myself to help sort things out. So here it goes.I am MeganI love taking photos of flowers.I like to write about anything, events, stories, poems, I like doing it allI like learning new things about my trade.I want to be a good writer.I want to be a mom someday (I also would love to adopt/foster a child that needs care)Little things make me happy, like taking a walk on a warm pleasant day or a good breakfast on a lazy saturday moring or buying bulk foods from the organic grocery store or sticking my hand into the bead bin at satoris or taking a drive down a country road, singing off key at the top of my lungs.I've learned about myself that I dont need any one big thing to BE happy. I dont need to be in a certain location like oshkosh or chigago or at home, I can be happy where I am because i know what i need to be happy.I want someone to share my life with.I love having friends that I can talk to.I dont want to end up like my mom. I do miss her and love her very much, and i know that she loved me with all of her heart, and at times (as she's written in her journal) she didnt feel worthy of being my mother. But my mom never kept her promises to herself. And because she didnt keep them, she was depressed constantly. It seemed like a cycle: Make a goal, abandon the goal, get depressed when goal isnt acheived, set goal again. She was stuck, and she had no one to blame but herself because she never bothered to tell my dad any of it. I firmly believe that a person needs at least some sort of support system for any change they want to do.I dont want to be, and i feel like i am no longer the following things:negativecattyjudgementalwhineyirrational (except when its that time of the month, thats hard to control)Cranky (although sometimes its ok within reason)blunt (the bad kind)uncaring to anyone.I want to care and be cared for.